An Introduction to Solo Dating

Whether you’re single, dating, in a relationship or married, solo dating is becoming increasingly popular…but you may be wondering what the hype is all about and if it is as fulfilling as people say it is! In this blog post, I’ll be giving you an introduction to solo dating, including three reasons why you should consider taking yourself on a solo date. But first, let me get vulnerable for a second as you know that’s how we do over here at Real Life With Liv…

Table of Contents

• 30 Before 30
• What is solo dating? 
• My First Solo Date
• 3 reasons why you should start solo dating
• But solo dating doesn’t have to be lonely…

My 30s are fast approaching and at one point in my life, I genuinely thought I’d be married and have kids by now. When my ex-partner and I broke up last year I was devastated and embarrassed to say the very least. However, I also knew that it was the right thing to do as the Lord was leading me in a new direction and it was important for me to be obedient and stay within his will.

You see the thing about breakups is that even when you’re the one that decides to put an end to things, it still hurts. Even if you know deep down that you’ve made the right decision, you still grieve. It’s a painful process and it sucks but there comes a point where you have to pull yourself together and keep it moving because whether you like it or not, life does go on. (I warned you I was always going to keep it real!)

For a few months after the breakup I found myself wanting to spend a lot of time alone. I couldn’t help but feel like a failure. I was mad, upset, and had no idea what I was supposed to do next. Lost and confused, I thought a good place to start would be to make a list of all the things I would like to do before I turn 30.

30 Before 30

Just to clarify, I wasn’t trying to set goals here. I was inspired by the 30 Before 30 challenge so it was more a case of encouraging myself to find joy and explore the world again. I just finished my degree after 6 long years of studying too, so I had a lot of extra time on my hands. I wasn’t sure what to do with it all, but one thing I did know was that I didn’t want to waste it!  

When I looked at my 30 before 30 list, I realised that it consisted of so many things I’d been wanting to do for quite some time but never got around to. That’s when I got mad (like red zone mad!) because I realised that the reason why I hadn’t done any of these things was mostly that I didn’t have anyone to do them with. 

Don’t get me wrong I have so many wonderful friends, amazing family members and colleagues but we don’t all share the same interests, nor do we necessarily want to do the same things. This happens even when you are in a relationship or marriage and we can’t expect people to spend their money on things that don’t interest them, particularly during this current cost-of-living crisis. People also have their own lives, kids, businesses, and responsibilities. It’s not personal.

But I wasn’t mad at my loved ones or my ex-partners. To be honest, I was annoyed at myself. Why? Because at that moment I realised I’d sacrificed my happiness by stopping myself from experiencing things I knew I wanted to do just because nobody else wanted to. But when I discovered the concept of solo dating, the game changed…

What is solo dating?

Solo dating is a unique experience that is solely focused on you! It involves dating and spoiling yourself instead of waiting for other people to be available, or for someone else to take you out and spoil you. You could even go as far as saying that it is a well-deserved form of self-care!

But before we go any further with this I just want to set the record straight. Solo dating isn’t about isolating yourself or avoiding intimacy or interactions with other people, nor is it something that only single people can practice. Anyone can benefit from the experience of solo dating whether you are single, in a relationship or married.

Now when I was in my teens and early 20s, I used to see people out in restaurants and bars on their own and my heart would break for them. Seriously, I would feel pity for them, and it would upset me. I just assumed they were lonely; they had been stood up or didn’t have any friends. I couldn’t seem to comprehend the fact that people choose to go out on their own.

That was until I somehow found the courage to go on my very first solo date and realised how incredibly brave and empowering it was. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always enjoyed my own company and I’m a person that needs their own space, but solo dating seemed strange and quite daunting. I didn’t know anyone that practised it either. Loads of my friends have travelled solo, but solo dating? I’d never really heard of it.

In my head, I just kept thinking really? Who does that? Why would you date yourself and how does that even work? Then the self-doubt kicked in. “I can’t do that, people are going to think I’m weird, or some sort of loner”. “I don’t want people to feel sorry for me! I have friends! I’m not strange!”. “What will they say? Omg imagine the sort of looks I’m going to get?”

Familia, I promise you that all of these thoughts are nothing but LIES and FALSE BELIEFS. Trust me it’s not that deep!

My First Solo Date

For my first solo date, I dived in head first (typical me, it’s either all or nothing!) and went to the pub on a sunny Sunday in July. For those of you who aren’t from the UK, whenever the sun decides to rear its head over here, we Brits run straight to a pub garden to try and enjoy it before it disappears because it doesn’t tend to stick around for very long! Honestly, pub gardens get so busy over here in the Summer that you’re lucky to even find a seat and get served! I literally couldn’t have picked a more daunting solo date for my first time but we move!

Anyhow, in the middle of the packed-out garden, there was me, sitting at a table all alone with my journal, enjoying some rum in the beautiful sun. I can’t lie to you, I felt so awkward for the first fifteen minutes and wasn’t sure if I would be able to have more than one drink. It just felt so strange being in such a busy place with no one to talk to. But I decided to order another drink and forced myself to stay and I’m so glad that I did because it ended up being an unusual yet empowering experience.

The longer I sat there, the more those lies and false beliefs I had about solo dating started to melt away. I also realised that people were so wrapped up in their world that they don’t even really notice you chilling there on your ones. You’re more conscious of the fact that you’re alone than other people. I ended up sitting in that pub garden for about three hours!

I now try and schedule at least one solo date in my calendar every month and I can’t tell you how much fun I’ve had. I highly recommend that you consider giving it a try…here are three reasons why!

3 reasons why you should start solo dating

#1 It allows you to learn about yourself

For me, solo dating has been a very humbling experience. I thought I knew myself pretty well until I started being intentional about going out on my own. Despite becoming more confident over the years, one of the first things solo dating taught me was that I’m still quite socially awkward and that I tend to hide behind other people whenever I go out.

I remember feeling so uncomfortable asking where the toilets were the first time I went to a restaurant on my own. When I stopped to think about why I was feeling that way, I realised that it wasn’t because I had general anxiety about being out alone, it was because I rarely ever take the lead in these sorts of situations whenever I go out with my friends. I would ask them questions praying that they would know to try and avoid the awkwardness or encourage them to ask on my behalf. Same with getting the bill, or raising any sort of issue. I honestly never noticed this about myself until I started flying solo, and probably never would have unless someone decided to point it out.

However, I also learnt that I’m incredibly brave. It takes a lot for a woman in her late twenties to pluck up the courage to go out alone and at the beginning, it was very overwhelming. Brave is not a word that I would ever use to describe myself previously!

#2 It encourages you to become more independent

As I mentioned earlier, solo dating is all about you and there is no one for you to hide behind. As a result, it encourages you to become more independent because YOU have to figure everything out.

When you go on solo dates YOU have to stand on your own two feet, YOU have to take the lead and YOU have to use your initiative to keep yourself safe, get to places on time and ensure you have the best experience. As a result, solo dating teaches you how to rely on yourself and be more independent.

When you show up for yourself, plan effective itineraries (or problem-solve when things don’t quite go to plan!) and give yourself a good time, you start trusting yourself more because you realise how capable you are. It’s honestly such a confidence boost!

#3 It gives you clarity

We are always in a rush and consume information all the time. We are also constantly surrounded by noise and people and have a to-do list as long as our arms. All of this can become overwhelming and distracting. The problem is that when you’re caught up in the hustle and bustle of life you don’t see it. You’re stuck on the hamster wheel!

I am a Londoner and being busy is what we’re known for, but the older I get the more I’ve realised the importance of slowing down. When I started solo dating, I also became more aware of how distracted I was and the negative impact my busy lifestyle was beginning to have on me, particularly my health. Solo dating is a great opportunity to get off the hamster wheel for a second, gather your thoughts and refocus.

It also strips you away from the influence of other people and can help you gain a better understanding of what you want, what you need and where you’re heading. It helps you stay grounded, forcing you to be more present and appreciate the here and now. I’ve learnt that to be a more patient, loving and productive individual, I need time alone and solo dating gives me a chance to step away from the noise, recharges my social batteries and gives me a second to clear my head and just breathe.

But solo dating doesn’t have to be lonely…

Familia, spending time alone doesn’t have to be lonely! It’s a chance to love and look after yourself. If you approach it with this mindset then I promise you it will be one of the most romantic and fulfilling experiences you’ve ever had.

But I can’t stress this enough, if you are going to start solo dating please take active measures to keep yourself safe. Always let someone in on your plans, and if those plans change. Oh and don’t forget to take a power bank portable charger! They are a godsend; you never know when you will need them.

For my next blog post, I’m putting together a list of solo date ideas to give you some inspiration and help you start dating yourself so stay tuned! In the meantime, if you’ve had any solo dating experiences you wish to share I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Until next time

Liv x